Last Saturday, we took the toddler to the zoo. They were having a dinosaur exhibit, which is basically bait for him, and I am a zoo girl at heart. He got to wander through the path, listening to life-size dinosaurs roar and spit and gazing up at the biggest creatures he’d ever seen. Then we came home and baked the cut-out cookies that I had made and tucked into the fridge the day before. He got to cut out animal shapes in the kitchen, which is rapidly becoming his favorite place.

My feet ached, my muscles were sore, and the heat had sapped every last drop of energy I had left. They aren’t kidding when they warn you that your SSRIs tend to make you more susceptible to overheating. By the time the day was over, I was exhausted. But I wasn’t bothered by it.

I was back to work the next Monday, strapped into my 9-to-5 job. I work from home, but it’s still an office job. Five days a week, 7.5 hours a day, I am attached to a laptop and an extra monitor, doing repetitive work that leaves me feeling drained. I am beholden to a schedule I do not control, micromanaged, and restricted. There is little room for creative problem-solving or innovation, no matter how many problems my pattern recognition finds. I just do the work the way it has always been done. All while I can’t be present for my son. By the end of each day, I am mentally exhausted.

What kind of tired do I choose?

The term “good tired” seems trite, but it may be the best way to describe last Saturday at the zoo. Because I felt fulfilled and accomplished. We’d taken the little guy to do an outing as a family, with my mom along for the ride, and then we had come home and baked a treat that was essentially on theme. I put him to bed, and he had been “good tired” too. He’d had a fun adventure and come home to help in the kitchen and play.

Looking back, I have realized the difference. Saturday, I was the mom I want to be. I was fully present. I was engaged and enjoying time with my son. I was doing the things I wanted to be doing with my life, and I felt aligned with my purpose. I don’t feel that way when I’m working. I feel trapped. I feel out of sync. I feel like I’m trying to do so much and doing nothing well. It’s time to do something about it. Because it has become a matter of what kind of tired do I want to be.

A New Perspective on Parenting

I was never the girl who wanted to be a SAHM. In fact, I’ll admit it, I was the girl who thought that was a waste, that it was the most anti-feminist thing you could do. By the time I was a teenager and then in college, having kids seemed like something that happened for other women. Even as an adult, marriage and children were not part of my plans. After the clusterfuck that was law school and a bad breakup and a terminally ill grandparent, I just felt like my life was going down a strange and lonely path. Then I met my husband, and after a very complicated courtship, we got married; things started to look different.

I had found love. I had found hope. And I had found safety in ways that I had never known. I was not raised in a gentle household. There were so many generational curses I did not want to pass on to my own children. But I didn’t know how to be different. I didn’t know that parenting could be kinder or gentler. I didn’t know that my experience could be different than my parents. But I had two stepchildren, and I needed to learn. So I read books and sought out information. I worked my ass off to be a different person and a better mom.

Free Spirit vs. 9-to5 Cage Fight

I struggle in 9-to-5 jobs where I am beholden to someone else’s schedule and routine. I am fully aware of how “woo woo millennial” this sounds. I know it’s exactly the kind of thing older generations scoff at. But if we’re being honest with ourselves (as we always should be), I admit that I don’t think I was built for this. My neurodivergent brain is not wired for what I am forcing it to do right now. And it shows.

But when I am on my own, in charge of myself and focused on my passions, I thrive. I am most in my element when I am teaching my son or playing with him, when I’m baking bread or treats, when I am creating. So I want to be able to stay home with my kids. I want to run a homeschool co op for leftist families wanting a well-rounded education in an environment that helps their kids thrive and supports the way children actually learn. I want to run my own coaching and consulting business to help parents like me achieve a better parenting experience and do better for their kids. I want to create.

It’s been an avalanche of discoveries and reasons. I have been moving closer and closer to feeling more aligned with my purpose. It’s recently come into very sharp and clear focus.

What now?

This season of my life is about starting fresh. It’s about bravery and confidence. It’s about listening to my tarot deck when she says not to be a chicken baby. It’s about following my guides and finding my purpose. I’ll be 39 this year, but my life is not over.

Something has to change. My mental health is suffering. I feel like I am stagnating personally and professionally. And I am not doing my family a service either. So I’ve been putting my plan into action.

I’m two quarters away from starting the dissertation portion of my PhD. I am sitting down tonight to finish this post, which is an achievement because imposter syndrome was stomping on all my confidence and making it hard to write. I’m planning some Substack articles that should definitely spark conversations. I am trying hard to quiet the negative voices in my head that echo the comments I often get on my TikTok, where, surprise, surprise, the internet has discovered I am plus-sized. Getting on camera as a woman, especially as a larger woman, is a difficult prospect. But I am going to do it! I am going to make this happen.

I don’t want to be a trad wife. I don’t want to lose myself. I just want something better. I deserve better. I deserve to be the mother I want to be. My kids deserve that too. So somewhere between the dirty hippie, the sassy southern witch, and the relatable parenting coach, you’ll find me, tarot cards in one hand and a parenting book in the other, spreading the good word about good vibes, good parenting, and good baking.

Are there any other folks out there finding themselves later in life? Reparenting their inner child while trying to be a better parent? Steeping their lives in both spiritual good vibes and powerful real science? Are you looking for a kindred spirit? Tell me all about it.